It’s a little bit strange; for the past few months whenever I’ve sat down to write I’ve found that I didn’t have all that much to say. This last week, every time I pull out the laptop and start typing, I have so much to say that I don’t know how to start. And once I begin, staying on-topic becomes a mind-boggling challenge. I will endeavour to keep it all straight and not subject you, my fabulous reader, to more than one of my opinions at a time.
Today we’re going to discuss ‘knowing yourself’ as it pertains to relationships. I know I’ve said it before: We can’t control very many things in this life, but we can certainly choose who we want to be and how we will play the cards we are dealt.
I don’t ever want to find myself stagnating; I want to always be evolving, changing, growing. (I think this is one reason that it will be incredibly challenging for me to find a partner – I need someone who is willing to grow and change with me.) In order to change and to always move onwards, you need to take the time to really look at who you are. To get to know the deep dark secrets, the hidden desires and the quiet whispers that control your actions. So many of us are defined by the people we know, our circumstances, the beliefs we were raised with, etc… It makes it hard to determine what labels have been placed upon us, and which are the ones we have actually taken the time to choose for ourselves.
You can choose to be what and who others think you are; or ignore them all and be who you want to be. Finding that out, discovering who you really are, what you want… it can be a terrifying thing. You have to strip back all the layers; all the good and bad until you reveal the bare bones. The nitty gritty that makes you tick. As you work your way down there, chances are you will discover a few things about yourself that you really don’t like. Some may be downright horrifying. But being honest with yourself, about who you are and what you have done, gives you the chance to make a change. To leave behind the parts you don’t like and polish the pretty bits that the world deserves to see.
Now, this brings me to what was originally supposed to be my point for this post. If you aren’t honest with yourself, about yourself – how can you possibly form a relationship with someone else that is built on anything other than falsehood? If the you that the world sees, isn’t the real you – then any relationships you form are based on someone who doesn’t actually exist. How long do you really think that is going to last?
I’ve always thought, “I need to spend some time figuring out who I am” was just a line – a slightly more polite way of rejecting someone than just admitting you’re not interested or that you’re waiting to find out who else might come along. Maybe often times it is. But it shouldn’t be. I think it’s something that we all should do a little more often.
The great thing is, once you start figuring out who you are, the easier life becomes. When you’re true to yourself, the choices you make won’t seem as torturous… even the hard ones will begin to feel right.
I still haven’t entirely figured out who I am, it’s a long process – and I could say that I absolutely will not begin any relationships until I have it figured out… but the fact of the matter is that I will probably always have something to learn, and I don’t believe in slamming doors shut just because I’m not sure if I’m ready. If he makes my knees weak, and my heart flutter; I’m not going to push him away because the timing isn’t perfect. But in the meantime, I’m going to keep working on me. Because even though he will love the darkest sides of me, I want him to see the very best as well. I will keep chipping away at the things that hold me back, the clinging bits of stone that were never really a part of me. Just the masks, the lies, the shields, the fear…. my limitations.
I want to be able to show him who I really am without being afraid.