When I think of who I was a few years ago, a few months ago – even last week – it floors me to see how much I’ve changed.
The changes in the last week or so are small, things that would be hardly noticeable to others – but the months, the years of little things have changed me so completely that I’m only a tiny fraction of who I once was.
My hopes, my dreams, my beliefs and convictions; they have all been tossed out the window and slowly gathered back so many times it’s not surprising that they look a little different these days. I just wonder if they’re better, if I managed to find all the important bits and leave the things behind that were meant to stay there – or if it’s all just a big jumble that makes as little sense as it once did.
I honestly couldn’t tell you; it’s just one of the endless things that I don’t know.
What I do know is a shorter list and it too will no doubt be tossed out the window from time to time. I hope it is – in all honesty I hope I never stop learning, never stop changing. Not all the changes might be positive, but they all bring me a little closer to who I’m supposed to be. To knowing who I am and who I want to be.
Some of the changes are voluntary; it’s possible you know, to change yourself – that’s one of the details I’ve recently added to the list of things I know. There are a few things I wish I could do and I’m determined to push myself until they become a natural part of who I am.
Like saying what’s on my mind. I’m getting better at this one; I talk now – but it’s a work in progress, I know that. It’s hard to make these changes overnight, but I’ll keep trying.
Like not waiting until it’s too late. Sometimes in a moment I know there is something I should do, something I want to do or say – but I don’t. For no other reason than the fact that I am not certain how it would be received by… well whoever might happen to be on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s as simple as defending something I believe in, sometimes it’s a desire clinging to the inside of my chest that is screaming at me to act… but it gets ignored. To my eternal regret.
Which brings me to my next desired change; no regrets. This one might be impossible – but it’s tied in very closely with the other two. It’s not that I expect to never regret anything ever again, that’s ludicrous. I simply don’t want to regret NOT having done something. I don’t want regrets because of a lack of courage or determination or willingness to put myself out there. That’s not who I want to be.
Some of the changes in my life have happened without me even noticing; events and people I have met have changed me and shaped me more drastically than I could ever do on my own. They definitely account for some of the negative changes, the ones I know I need to work on. But they also account for every single one of the good changes – including my desire to change myself, my desire to become a better person. I never would have stumbled across it if I were alone in this world.
Why am I telling you this? I’m not too sure really – maybe it’s a warning so you’re not surprised if I suddenly do something drastic and seemingly unexpected. Or maybe it’s because it’s something I need to say.
… or perhaps it is for no other reason than the fact that taking the time to write something out is the best way I know to make sense of the thoughts running through my head. Ask me to tell you what’s going on in there, I will probably shrug and say nothing because I don’t know how to explain it. Hand me a pen and paper and I’ll write you a novel.
Chances are it wouldn’t be quite what you were expecting… but who wants to be completely predictable anyway?
Picture via D H Wright