In just over two months I will be returning to Canada, and in an effort to save money so that I can save up for my next adventure, I have decided to try to find some compatible roommates. I believe in honesty, so I wrote this letter for anyone crazy enough to consider me as a roommate.

Ahem…

Dear sir/madam,

I have compiled a list of things-that-you-should-probably-know-about-me-before-you-commit-to-living-with-me.

1) I love mornings. They are beautiful and peaceful and meant for the consumption of coffee and quiet reflection. I don’t like speaking before coffee. Or making eye contact. If you have something serious to discuss with me, and you want a human to respond, it doesn’t hurt to wait until after coffee. My social skills are the last thing to awaken in the morning.

2) I shower often, so the good news is I don’t smell. The bad news is that I am liable to hoard the shower for significant amounts of time. I am willing to come to an understanding in regards to shower useage, but I will never be willing to give up my right to cleanliness. Oh. Damn, there’s two sets of bad news for this one (sorry man), I also sing in the shower when I’m happy.

Oh! But there’s another bit of good news. You will like me when I’m happy.

3) I make extremely vague references to superhero movies and Star Wars. Usually Star Wars. I will be disappointed if you don’t catch them, regardless how vague.

4) I severely dislike doing dishes. The only reason I don’t use the word hate is because my mother taught me that it’s a very potent word and she didn’t encourage its use. I reiterate: SEVERELY dislike. When I lived on my own the dishes would get done usually when there were no cups left for me to eat my cereal in, or bowls for my coffee. If you have a dishwasher (human or mechanical), we might be able to avoid this problem.

5) I’m a girl. Which means I’m also a little bit like a werewolf. There are a few days out of the month during which I change into an emotionally-driven beast. I do not recommend locking me in my room for the duration of the change. You can attempt to placate the beast with chocolate, hugs, wine and by putting up with girly movies.

6) I come with several hundred books. They’re mostly of the science fiction or fantasy genus and I am willing to share. Unless I see you abusing them. Then the sharing ends and I become possessive. Play nice with the books and no one gets hurt.

7) There is a good chance that you might end up hearing a disembodied voice speaking words you don’t understand. Don’t worry, I’ll leave my ghosts behind and my skeletons in the closet. But languages don’t learn themselves and I have no choice but to practice out loud. You don’t know when you will need to say “No puede tener el malvavisco verde, es mío.” or “Por favor, no botar los arco iris en la piscina. ”.

8) I like to dance around the house to really loud music. I will refrain from doing this while you sleep. I promise nothing more.

9) If you eat genetically modified, pesticide ridden or overly processed food, you won’t need to worry about me accidentally eating it. Though you will probably have to put up with the occasional disapproving eyebrow wiggle when I catch you consuming it.

10) I’m a little bit like a fifth-grader. The more I like you, the more likely I am to make fun of you, pull your hair and be an all-around pest.

11) Any spiders are not my responsibility.

12) Speaking of spiders… When I shower I tend to collect all the hair I lose (it’s long and likes to plug drains… so in reality I’m doing a public service) and since I’m usually preoccupied with becoming clean, I roll all the hairs up into a little ball so they don’t escape and stick them to the side of the shower until I get out. Sometimes I forget it there. The ball of hair always inevitably resembles a human-devouring spider. I apologize in advance for any psychological trauma this may cause.

13) I only ever caused a fire once. It was just a little one. No permanent damage was caused.

14) I’ve never had roommates before. I’ve had parents: please don’t ask them for a reference.

If you’re still interested, please feel free to contact me.

Warm regards,
B